BRUTE FORCE
by ArdenAshwood2
Summary: The Senate have finally made a Jedi reality show. Five Jedi trapped in one house for two months... who will be there? Who will be eliminated? Who is the fifth mystery guest? Who brought the THONG? Chapter FOURTEEN HERE!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the following Star Wars… stuff. Names, weapons, or whatever I might care to throw in here. People honestly read these?

Prologue: An Idea

"It's not fair," a young Jedi explained to his friend. "They don't trust me."

"No," spoke Palpatine. "They just think you're a whiny little brat."

Anakin stared at the Chancellor a moment, feeling his lower lip begin to pout when he quickly pulled it back in. He cleared his throat and took on what he thought to be a more adult-sounding voice.

"We need a way for them to see that I'm not as childish and immature as they think," the boy said referring to the Jedi Council. His friend nodded and they both paused in their walk around the temple for a moment to allow for some thought. The Chancellor's eyes gleamed and Anakin knew he had an idea.

Chapter One: Brute Force Introduced

Mace Windu gaped with disgusted horror at the Jedi bulletin board. The Senate was not actually serious about this?

All of the other Jedi were in the council room sipping their coffee and reading their Galactic Globes when the second most powerful Jedi came bolting into the room waving a sheet of paper that appeared to have a lot of exclamation points and colorful lettering. Yoda got to his feet and inquired what the matter was.

"They—are—making," he spoke in between gulps of breath, "A Jedi reality show!"

The room's occupants fell silent with their eyes wide. Those who could believe it had two thoughts primarily occupying their mind: one, why on earth would the Senate do such a thing? And two, maybe I can get on it somehow… For those who thought the idea all too unbelievable, they asked to see the flyer Windu held in his clenched fist.

BRUTE FORCE

**Survival of the Most Popular!**

**When Five Jedi are locked in a house together for TWO MONTHS, **

**TENSION will rise, voices will be RAISED, and one by one the Jedi will be voted OUT of the house until only TWO are left!**

**CAMERAS in every room!**

**Your chance to SHINE!**

**Show the GALAXY your GOOD side! New friends, new opportunities, new REALITY SHOW!**

**The Force, is IT in you?**

**(Auditions will be held this Saturday at the Jedi Temple)**

It took Obi-Wan a moment to register that what he was seeing was real. In all his years of being he had never seen something so ridiculous as this. Why, it was nothing more than a galactic popularity contest; it even said so! Or said something close enough. He passed the sheet on to the next Jedi and heard two Jedi behind him muttering about auditioning. Humph; the day he, General Obi-Wan Kenobi tried out for a reality show would be the day… that the Sith would return and wipe out all the Jedi and he would appear in six cult-classic movies! And there was a fat chance of that.

"Master Yoda," he laughed with effort. "Of course in your infinite wisdom you find this all extremely foolish?"

"Foolish say you?" The one with pointed ears said with a cocked head. "My big break, say I!"

Kenobi's eyes bulged as he looked around the room and found that in his sanity, he was utterly alone.

THE KENOBI/SKYWALKER RESIDENCE:

"Really Master?" Anakin asked with as much interest as possible. "Why that's…"

"Ridiculous!" Obi-Wan flapped his arms in the air.

"Ridiculous…" the apprentice agreed softly. The truth was, he had already been promised the opening credit for the show. Palpatine said he wouldn't dream of having it any other way. Now, he had said to his young friend, it was only a matter of gathering the other four Jedi, which shouldn't be a problem after those nifty posters he had hired the Senate to put up everywhere.

"So Master," the learner said conversationally. "Will you be trying out?"

"Me?" He responded as if his pupil had accused him of being the Sith Lord. "Are you completely mad? Of course not!"

"But Palpa—I mean, I hear that _they _the erm—casting directors are looking for Jedi like you to come and audition."

"Well tell the casting directors I'm sorry but there is no way in a million years I will ever, mind you _ever_ be trying out for," he spat out the name as contemptuously as he could, "Brute Force… or whatever it's called."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two: Auditions

Three days early for the auditions, Jedi (and non-Jedi alike) were lined up for Brute Force. The temple was ablaze with merchandise and posters and all sorts of agents sniffing out for hot talent. Yoda and Jar Jar were the first ones in line and there were only about half the population of the entire galaxy behind them. Windu had been convinced to sign up by his friend and he stood somewhere in the middle of the masses.

SATURDAY

Obi-Wan opened his cerulean eyes to find an empty bed beside him. The sheets made it look like no one had slept in them at all! His heart began to race. Something had happened to Anakin! He jumped out of bed, about to run for Yoda's advice when he realized every single Jedi wise or simple would be in line to try out for that damned reality show. He slapped his head as another realization struck him; that was probably where Anakin was as well. He peeked out the window and saw what looked like a puddle of color hundreds of feet below and his stomach dropped as he thought of how difficult it would be to find one Padawan among all that.

His brow furrowed as a hand went to his chin. _Oh,_ he thought. _I _am_ going to murder him this time! _With a groan he put on a new robe and headed out the door.

"Finally come to your senses have you?" His first friend questioned as he stood out of breath before him. Yoda moved a pointer finger from side to side. "Even Jedi Masters do not cut, General."

"No," Kenobi panted. "No, you don't understand, I am looking for Anakin. Have you seen—hey!" He cried out as a large alien of some sort picked him up by the waist and threw him back out of line. Obi-Wan's shoulders drooped as he realized just how impossible this was going to be. He stood still and tried to send a mental message to his Padawan. When no reply came after several attempts, the Jedi decided it was time to ask someone else but this time, from outside the line.

"Master Windu," he asked his comrade. "I am looking for my Padawan, have you seen him anywhere?"

"Hm… can't say I have, General. But I would try looking in the—" he was cut off as the large gates in front of the line slowly opened and numerous bouncers stepped out in front of it. The howling masses died down as one of them spoke.

"You will each be allowed in in groups of five, to save time. I don't want any stragglers or 'Siamese twins' crap, got it?" The crowd's silence answered for them.

Windu began to unroll the duct tape from his and his friend's arm. "Aw, dangit."

So the line began to move. Slowly at first, but quicker as people were kicked out sooner and sooner while the casting directors' patience wore out. Obi-Wan decided he would wait by the doors to see if Anakin would pop into view. He approached one of the bouncers (a purple-skinned fellow with long black spikes coming out of him in every which way).

He held out his arms defensively and spoke calmly. "I do not want to audition, I just want to ask you a question. Is that alright?"

The alien turned to his buddy. "Hey, Longo, watch out for me if this clown tries any mind tricks alright?" The other creature (a clump of bubbles and teeth) nodded and the purple one snapped his fingers. "Make it quick, Light-Saber boy."

"I can not seem to find my friend and I was wondering if it would be okay to stand here with you so I might spot him if he tries to enter?"

The alien looked to Longo who shrugged apathetically. "Eh… alright, just don't try anything funny."

"Oh, thank you very much, Sir."

The minutes turned into hours and before long, the line was down to its last four aspiring actors. Longo's friend then pushed Obi-Wan into the line.

"Hey, wait a minute—" he tried to protest.

"People have to go in in fives," the purple one said. "Why not give it a try, Shaggy?" He gesticulated towards Kenobi's shoulder-length hair and chuckled while the five Jedi were shoved inside the big Temple doors.

THE AUDITION ROOM

When Obi-Wan stepped into the room where two men and a woman sat at a long table he nearly had a convulsion. For there, on the bloody staff of casting directors, were Chancellor Palpatine, his assistant Sly Moore, and—

"Anakin!" Obi-Wan exploded. "I was worried sick! Do you know how long I have been waiting out there to try and find you? Do you know how many times I had to suffer being told I looked like the guy from Big Fish? And how lovely my singing voice had been in Moulin Rouge?" He took a breath then continued shouting. "What in the Force even _is_ Moulin Rouge?"

"Master," the younger man said with his head down. "I must advise you, this is not a good way to start off an audition."

"Audition!" Obi-Wan gawked. "You think that is what this is about? Anakin—"

Palpatine cut the General off by beginning to clap. Kenobi stopped short, staring as Sly Moore joined in on the applause. Anakin kept eye contact and let his Master know without words that he had no clue what the other two were doing.

The Chancellor stood. "Excellent, Master Kenobi! I see you are an actor with much enthusiasm! Why else would you pre-set a real-life scenario with your apprentice to perform for us?"

He opened his mouth then shut it then tried the speaking thing again. "You think that I was—"

"Now, now, don't be modest!" Palpatine said with a friendly laugh. "You will be on the show I guarantee it! My assistant Sly will call you first thing Monday morning with details. Now, if my assumptions are correct, you are the last one, Obi-Wan?"

Still flabbergasted, he managed to stammer out, "Why… yes I think so."

"Then I will let you have your precious Padawan back," he laughed once more and patted Anakin's head. The latter male stood up and walked over to his Master with a shy smile on his face. "I'll see you both on the set then!" Palpatine called after them.

Obi-Wan stopped walking and turned to Anakin.

"I-I couldn't help it, Master," the younger one said. "He offered me a part and I just thought… well, I thought it would provide me with better social skills, Master."

Kenobi sighed resignedly, knowing there was nothing he could do about it now. "At least I will be there too." Anakin smiled. "Only to keep an eye on you, mind!"

"Of course, Master."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three: The Meeting

"Uh-huh… yes… Wait, when is that? Okay… okay, thank you very much, goodb—huh? No, I have never heard of the movie Down with Love. Okay, thank you anyway, goodbye." Obi-Wan hung up the phone and made his way into the kitchen where his apprentice was busy putting away the dishes. The older Jedi watched him for a moment, feeling proud and glad at how nice of a young man Anakin had become. Oh he would go on to a happy life… make good choices, find a nice career, and make any Padawan proud to be a Jedi.

Anakin looked up. "Master?"

The Jedi snapped out of it. "Oh—yes, we will be meeting with Sly Moore at eight thirty today at the Wamprat Wagon."

The younger man's brow furrowed. "Isn't that place sort of…sketchy?"

"Oh I'm sure it's fine. Now, she also told me that light-sabers are forbidden on the show so we are not to bring them. Everything else she said that she would get to once we were all together tonight."

THE WAMPRAT WAGON

Sly Moore sat across the table from the other five guests at the dark pub. Her pale, hairless skin shone with the light the neon sign above their heads emanated. She took a sip from her Konyak and began speaking. She was, however, interrupted when a drunken Gungan swaggered up beside her.

"Hey **belch** baby. What say wesa kisskiss, eh?" He puckered his huge, wet lips and leaned forward, nearly engulfing Sly Moore's egg-like head.

"Away from me, Amphibian!" She shrieked, blasting him with a shot of electricity from her hand. The other Jedi sat with their mouths and eyes wide open. Sly cleared her throat and started again.

"You didn't see that. Anyway, what the show Brute Force is basically trying to accomplish is to show the world what the virtuous Jedi is really like when he is reduced to his most primitive instincts. What he is like when there is no war, no chain of command, and no law." The last she said with a smile. "All of you will be placed in a house, moderately sized, with the basic necessities. However, you will not be allowed to leave and there will be _no_ meditation so that you can simply "zone out" for the next two months."

At the sound of this, one of the Jedi (Yoda as a matter of fact) let his ears droop down to his shoulders. He whispered to the Jedi next to him (Jar Jar Binks) and whispered.

"Planning on that, I had been."

"We probably would have voted you off anyway."

"Wait… how did you get on this show? You're not a Jedi! And heck, we just had a Gungan make an appearence!"

"…Well the writer needed some easy-laugh material so she slapped mesa in here. Also, she wanted an expendable character because the fifth member of the show is—"

It was then that the author of this fanfiction entered the bar and wrapped some duct tape around his lips, since they seemed to be the cause of so much trouble in this chapter.

Yoda patted the author on the hand with a smile while Obi-Wan and Anakin exchanged accepting faces.

"Yes, anyway," Sly Moore said, drawing back the five members' attention. "The rest of the rules follow as such: no light-sabers, no using the Force, no guests invited into the house. Does that seem simple enough?"

The five people nodded.

"Good. The show begins tomorrow and will be filming at that little igloo on Tatooine."

Anakin spoke up, "Hey, my family lives there!"

Sly rolled her eyes. "Not that igloo, the one near Maul-y-wood Boulevard. Geesh, think you have the only igloo in the entire galaxy?"

Anakin furrowed his brow and decided it best to just be quiet.

"A question, Ms. Moore," asked the last person seated at the table.

"Yes, Fifth Member of our show?"

"When does my identity get revealed?"

"Eh, I dunno, when the author runs out of interesting plot material I guess."


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four: Palpatine's Research

"I'm nervous, Master," were Anakin's first words upon entering the quote, unquote moderately sized abode. In truth, the young Jedi suspected it had previously been used for (crowded) droid storage. Obi-Wan told him not to worry; there was nothing inside that they couldn't handle.

When the two walked into what they thought was their room, a horrible sight met their eyes. For there, dancing about and singing into a hairbrush was Yoda (don't ask what the brush was used for, I honestly don't know but that is some weird-ass denial right there).

"Forget what I just said, my Padawan," Kenobi said while Anakin's eyes popped.

"It burns, Master," he moaned, shielding his face as Yoda began to do a dance that reminded everyone a bit of Britney Spears… which was quite scary. So the two Jedi booked it back out into the hallway, crashing into Jar Jar Binks. They asked if he knew whose room was which, to which he replied that hesa supposed it was first-come first-serve. To which _Anakin _responded, "See ya!" and sprinted for the room furthest from Yoda's. Obi-Wan rolled his eyes before walking after his apprentice.

"Oh, yousa don't need to do that, General," the annoying and culturally offensive creature called after him. He turned. "Miss Moore said that wesa each get our own room."

"Our own room?" Obi-Wan asked. "But how will I keep an eye on Anakin?"

Jar Jar shrugged and ran in the direction Anakin had and bolted into the room second furthest away from the Dancing Yoda. Obi-Wan quickened his pace and gently wrapped on the third door. No response came, so he entered—this time putting a defensive hand over his eyes… just in case. Yet the room was empty, so that was the room the Jedi Master could now call his own. He used the Force to shut the door behind him and flumped onto the bed. Oh, that felt nice after waking up at four in the morning to beat traffic and get here on time. He closed his eyes and was just beginning to feel the warm hand of sleep on his mind when a loud tapping came from the wall to his right. He opened his eyes and looked around. A muffled voice then met his ears:

"General, can you hear me? Itsa Jar Jar! Mesa speaking to yousa from the wallsa—I mean wall."

Obi-Wan turned and found with horror that was true. Should he pretend he couldn't hear Binks so he might eventually lose heart and stop?

"Hello? Hello?" _Tap tap tap tap tap! _"General? GENERAL!"

"_Yes I can hear you, Binks!_" Obi-Wan finally shouted, feeling a vein somewhere near his temple beginning to throb. Oh dear, this was going to be a long two months.

Anakin heard his master yelling but could not really do anything about it. For at that moment, Chancellor Palpatine hovered by his open window in his transportation vehicle. The man motioned for Anakin to come open the window, which he did.

"Chancellor… what—"

"Well surely you want to win this little thing, don't you?"

Anakin stopped. He replied that, yes very much.

"Then consider what I am about to tell you some friendly advice. You will not only be eliminated by your fellow housemates. I just heard that viewers at home will be casting votes on their computers! Now, I did a little research on other programs like this and found this, traits all past winners have had that helped them gain the edge over their opponents, thus gaining more popularity with the folks at home." He took out a sheet of paper from his glove compartment and began to read aloud. "Shy. Polite. Good sense of humor. I quote, "Dishes juicy gossip about other housemates when interviewed privately". Attractive. I quote once more, "Lots of shots of them when they're fresh outta the shower. Props to the penizous and breastsizous and—" oh my! Well you get the point," Palpatine concluded, folding up the paper once more.

Anakin ran through the list in his mind. "Yes. I will do my best to win this contest. Thank you, Chancellor."

**DAYS ONE – SIX **(well… it technically day one already started, but the contestants were all sleeping previously)

Anakin walked out of his room and saw that his Master's door was open. He peered inside and crept to the suitcase that still lay on top of the bed sheets. The young Jedi used the Force to shut the door and thought about what he was about to do. Wasn't this technically spying on his Master, indirectly? His hand—just above the suitcase—paused. But then the Chancellor's words ran through is mind:

"Do it. It is the only way you can save Padme."

"What!"

"Erm—I mean—the only way to get good standings with the at-home audience."

Anakin shook his head to clear his mind. Finally he decided that yes, it was all for the best. He opened the suitcase. He rummaged through the contents; an extra robe, toothbrush etc., briefs—

"Ew…"

Socks, deoderant… but oo la la, what was _this_? Anakin raised the item to be in front of his hazel stare and smiled broadly. Oh this was better than he could have hoped for! Anakin placed it back in its rightful place, closed the suitcase, and headed out the door.

He made his way down the stairs into the main floor of the house (yes, there are two floors). Once inside the living room, he saw Yoda and Jar Jar sitting on the couch conversing with one another. As he passed, he caught a brief sample of what they were saying (for if one was to have the "scoop" he would need to be all eyes _and_ ears).

"So then says I to him, pimples that grow teeth and spinal column normal they are not."

Anakin stepped into the kitchen and saw his Master sipping a glass of water, making a face, and then continuing to finish it up.

"Honestly, Anakin, if that water was any more sludgy, it would have a pulse!"

"I'm sorry, Master," he said as politely as he could.

"Oh don't be. It's not your fault the stuff is practically solid. So, how long have you been up?"

"A few minutes, I guess," scanning the room quickly for a clue as to where the cameras might be hiding. He saw something shine in the upper right corner of the ceiling and smiled with satisfaction. Okay, now he knew what to look for in the other rooms. He returned his gaze to the other Jedi and thought of what else Palpatine had told him winners should do. A good sense of humor was on the list… but did he know a single joke? Well… only one.

"Um, Master?"

"Yes, my friend?"

"Have you heard of the new mint-flavored birth control women take?"

"Why, no my Padawan."

"Yeah, they're called predickaments."

**SOME 12-year-old boy's HOUSE**

"Hahahahaha! Timmy, get in here! This Anakin guy's a riot!"

**BACK TO THE KITCHEN**

"Oh I see," said Obi-Wan, obviously oblivious. "But why are you telling me this, my Padawan?"

Anakin knew he was going out on a limb here (pun intended). "For your mom."

"And why would she need to know about these "predickamints"?"

The Jedi shrugged. "All I know is she's so fat, your family pictures have to be taken by satellite."

**SOME OTHER 16-YEAR OLD'S LIVING ROOM**

Joel and Harrison rolled on the ground, calling for their girlfriends to come see. They arrived and saw something a little different…

**KITCHEN**

"I—" Anakin stood, paralyzed with shock at his own words. "I am so sorry, Master!" He knelt down before a gaping Jedi. Anakin took one of his hands and clasped it in his own two. "Can you forgive me?"

It took Obi-Wan a moment but finally he found his voice. "Yes… of course."

"I will meditate why I said those things."

"Yes…"

With that Anakin stood back up, while millions of light-years away girls and their mothers alike were cooing with respectful adoration. Before long, a week had passed and Brute Force was the most popular show in two galaxies! Rating soared through the roof and Anakin was the painfully obvious favorite. Every morning, Palpatine would show up at his window (for there were no cameras in the bedrooms) and give him advice. On the sixth day, Anakin was told they would have their first one-on-one interviews.

_Perfect,_ Anakin thought. _A chance to dish out what I discovered in Master's suitcase…"_


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five: Interviews

Every contestant would have a day to be interviewed. And it just so happened (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) that Anakin was first. Anakin stepped inside the little booth that had been set-up before they had entered the house. It was a small corner of the first floor near the bathroom for assured privacy. He pulled the black curtain shut and sat down on the small provided bench.

"Alright," he began. "If you ask me, the one I'm voting for to go is Yoda. Seriously… not only does he sing and dance like a wannabe pop star when he _thinks _no one is looking—oh yeah," he assured. "He does. Not only that, but that old coot is just a hindrance and annoyance to you folks back home," he winked, "And us. I mean how old _is_ he? My point is he should take a break for spotlight, cuz you know you're past your expiration date when your dreams are dry and your farts are wet, and lemme add, I believe that suits the Oompa Loompa fine." Anakin paused, wondering for a moment if he was going too far. Yet Palpatine had told him this was the time to let loose all of his feelings, the dirtier the better.

"Tuh, and Jar Jar… he's so ugly, when he walked in here, I was like 'Dang, is it Halloween already?" He swallowed nervously, knowing he'd have to speak about his Master soon. "But that other guy! If he were any more introverted, he wouldn't be on this show at all! Do you folks ever even see him? And Obi-Wan…" was popularity worth it? _I have fan-mail pouring in for you when you get home, Anakin_ Palpatine had said. Yes, it was worth it. "You know what he keeps up in his room? G-strings, moisturizer, and about five gallons worth of hair gel." He had said it. He had said it and now the entire universe knew. The question was, would Obi-Wan know it had been Anakin who had spilled the beans? Would Obi-Wan even find out? He hoped not.

"Well that's my time," he waved to the camera and flashed a pearly white smile before exiting.

**SOME 14-YEAR-OLD GIRLS' SLEEPOVER**

"Beverly, did you hear _that_?"

"Oh my gosh, yeah! We have to tune in tomorrow and see what else Anakin says!"

"Totally, Wanda. Hey, Serena, can we use your computer to vote Yoda off the show? If Anakin doesn't like him, neither do we."

And thus the votes flooded into the network. By this point it wouldn't matter who the contestants wanted off, the viewers were two ample to be ignored. Soon enough, the elimination day arrived.

ELIMINATION DAY:

The five males turned on their television and saw Sly Moore's face on the screen. She told them that the votes were in but nonetheless they each had to say aloud who their choice was for the one to be eliminated.

Obi-Wan was first. "Personally?" He looked from side to side nervously and began to wring his hands. "Well… I have to say that even though my room is two doors away from him, Yoda can cause quite a racket at night."

The fifth one nodded. "And I second that."

Jar Jar, looking relieved decided to go along with the majority. "Yes, mesa agrees."

Anankin blushed and tried to look shy and embarrassed for the ever-growing female half of the viewers. "Well… if everyone else is voting that way, I suppose I will too."

Yoda looked shocked and kept gaping at the other four. How could he, a Jedi with his own cult following, be voted off before that god-forsaken orange amphibian over there? However, when Sly Moore told him that he had a day to pack up his things, he stood up nobly and said,

"Think this is a wise decision I do not. Yet leave, I will."

"Sorry, Yoda," Anakin said, patting the green creature's shoulder warmly. "But hey, maybe it's best for someone of your age to take it easy."

He nodded and went upstairs.

YODA'S INTERVIEW

"Understand I do not. The most wise and well-liked I thought I was. Most surprising was it to me when Obi-Wan wanted me off. Trusted him I did." He shook his head sadly. "Oh well." He stepped out of the booth and muttered, "At least no one found my Cher CD…hm… now where did I put that thing?"

OBI-WAN'S INTERVIEW

"He was playing it so loud every night and every morning… I just had to confiscate his CD! What would _you_ do if you were forced to hear 'Strong Enough' every time you walked down the hallway?" Kenobi's voice had risen to a shout. He regained control of himself and began again, softer. "The point is, I think living will be a lot easier when he is gone."

While his Master was in the booth, Anakin went off to search for more items of interesting gossip. Which meant of course, snooping about Kenobi's room. He went through the closet and saw nothing but two robes, belts, and pants. How dull! Next was the personals drawer. Yes, the scandalous underwear was still there (buried, of course). But soon he found…

"Master's diary?" He smiled unbelievingly. Oh this was too good to be true!

Obi-Wan stepped out of the booth and went to search for Anakin. He felt he needed some conversation after seven days of solitude or conversing with grammatically incorrect green and orange aliens. He went up the stairs and heard a door quietly being shut. There was Anakin, creeping about. But wait… what door had been shut if…? Oh, it was hardly important.

"Anakin!"

The younger Jedi's heart raced and stopped short at the same time. He felt a cold sweat wanting to form, but he commanded himself to act natural.

"Yes, Master?" He said sweetly and turned around.

"I need to speak with you," Obi-Wan said, walking to be next to his pupil.

"Really?" He gulped softly. "What about?"

"I honestly couldn't care less. Anything except ancient laws and frog people!"

Anankin's shoulders relaxed and he inhaled for the first time in thirty seconds. "Of course, Master. Shall we speak in your room?"

"Uh, no!" Obi-Wan forced a laugh to cover for his suddenly loud voice. "No, no, your room would be better. Better view from the window, yes? Yes. Let's move along…"

Anakin held back a smirk as they walked past the other Jedi's room.

ANAKIN'S ROOM FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER

Not three seconds after Obi-Wan left the room emotionally refueled and ready for lunch, Palpatine tapped on the young Jedi's window. Anakin opened it with the Force and remained seated on his bed.

"Oh Anakin, you have made me so proud! Do you know that you are the favorite of 98.99 percent of the viewers? The additional percentage is split between the other contestants. Anakin..." he smiled. "You have this won. Might I add that bit about General Kenobi was quite entertaining! A few more secrets like that and may the Force help the others!"

"I found my Master's diary," he offered.

Palpatine clapped his hands together. "Splendid! Not too much now, or the viewers will grow to expect it and start to get bored. Always leave them wanting more. One secret a week should do it. Now, what do you have in store for the others?"

"I had not planned anything, Chancellor."

"Then may I suggest something to help get rid of that... is it a fish or something?"

"You mean Jar Jar?"

"Yes, well, I had an idea to help along with _his_ elimination. I just happened to be cruising by his window and saw this," he held out a key.

"What is it for?" Anakin asked, though already knowing the answer.

"A key to get in and out of this house. Ooh, now that's against the rules isn't it?"

"Are you sure it belonged to Jar Jar?"

Palpatine gave him a look that asked, _Are you kidding? _Anakin reached out to take the key, yet the Chancellor shook his head.

"Wouldn't it look odd for the viewers if you came out of your room carrying this? Why don't I just put it 'back' in _his _room for you?"

"Thank you."

Palpatine nodded and went out of sight.

**DAY TEN**

Sly Moore appeared on the screen and informed the four contestants that a major rule had been broken and thus, Jar Jar Binks would be immediately removed from Brute Force. He furrowed his brow (does he _have_ a brow to furrow? Eh, creative leniency) and asked why?

"Because it was brought to our attention that you, Mr. Binks, were in possession of a key to the house."

"What!" He cried. "No, no, no! Yousa mistaken!"

"One of the contestants found it in your room, Binks! The footage does not show him or anyone else for that matter entering the room previously so it could not have been planted. Thus, the blame falls on you. Please collect your things and be at the front door in twenty minutes."

With that the television went black and Jar Jar was left looking helplessly at the other males.

"Yousa believe mesa, right?"

No one answered.

"Anakin," he continued, moving to be sitting next to the now terribly uncomfortable Jedi. "Yousa my friend, yousa trust me, right?"

Whether it was for self-preservation or lack of words, Anakin remained silent and watched as the pathetic, shoulder-slumped alien shuffled sadly up the staircase. Palpatine had told him that he was doing a service to the show... but then why did he feel so guilty? Obi-Wan was looking at Jar Jar, but Anakin could not read his expression. The other guest looked like he couldn't care less. He adjusted something on his belt and got up to grab a soda from the fridge. Now he would be hard to get rid of, Anakin found himself thinking. Ugh! Why was he thinking like that? It wasn't his job to eliminate _everyone!_ Leave it to the viewers, that would be his new philosophy.

**A PARTY OF OLD PEOPLE **(JUST PRETEND THEY EXIST, OKAY?)

"Look at that thong-wearing pansy, Gertrude!" Lillith said from her spot in front of the punch table. The TV screen was flashing with images and opening credits. Now it was Obi-Wan who appeared onscreen.

"I know," Jerald spoke up. "Disgusts me. And did you hear what Anakin said last night?"

The crowd gasped, No! What? Jerald smiled as everyone circled around him, the only one who had stayed up late enough t watch the newest installment.

"Well, he said that once, Kenobi had held his light-saber upside down and accidentally chopped off all of Yoda's hair! And that's why he's nearly bald!"

"You don't say!" Everyone gasped again and murmured to each other. "What else? Did he say anything else?"

**A 9-YEAR-OLD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY**

"Yeah," Casey said to her friends. "He said that that weird guy's drawers are entirely stocked full of makeup!"

"No way!" Michael shouted.

"Way! Maybeline, Revlon, you name it! He's even got colored contact-lenses!"

"You mean his eyes aren't yellow naturally?"

"Nope," Casey smiled smugly. "And his face is probably as purple as yours or mine! I can tell you one thing, I'll definitely be voting _him_ off!"

"Me too!"

**BACK TO THE OLD PEOPLE'S PARTY**

"Me three, Gertrude!"

"First man-thongs then makeup! Poor Anakin is the only _half-decent _one on the blasted show!"


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six: The Trinity of Mystery (catchy title ain't it? Oh, PS I use some humor from here which is a very good website, hilarious, you should go there---not NOW! Geesh)

Obi-Wan and Anakin sat on the couch in the living room, eating little spoonfuls of their yogurt without saying a single word. The Padawan could not help but looking up at the older Jedi practically every ten seconds. He didn't know why he had told the camera about the third guest's "secret" possessions. He had sworn to not do that anymore. Yet he found it almost natural now. Get in front of the camera, ruin someone's reputation. It was like blinking... it just happened. Anakin could stop himself for a little while but sooner or later, he couldn't help it any longer.

"Master?" he asked.

Kenobi looked up. For days his pupil had not seemed right. He was quiet and kept to himself far too much than was normal. However, he had decided not to touch upon it and let Anakin bring it up when he was ready. The General had the feeling that this was what was about to be discussed.

"Yes, Anakin?"

He could not bring himself to look into his Master's eyes. "I... what would you... okay, hypothetically say that I hypothetically had been hypothetically telling the entire universe about Yoda's and the guy's and your deepest darkest secrets? Hypothetically of course. What should I do?"

"Hypothetically?"

"Well yeah."

"Oh thank goodness. Because if it wasn't hypothetically and you had actually done those things then I might have to beat the living crap out of you."

Anakin gulped.

Obi-Wan smiled. "But since it's all hypothetical, I'd recommend you not telling me about it and continuing to do it until the author needs another plot device—probably for the end of the story—so it can allow for angst that goes completely against the humor genre they marked this down for."

The Padawan stared blankly.

"But, seriously speaking, is there anything bothering you?"

Anakin shook his head and silently got up to throw out his half-finished yogurt with his Master's eyes never left him.

Kenobi muttered to himself, "I wonder what is eating at my Padawan?"

THE THIRD GUEST'S ROOM

He sat on his bed fuming. The blush in his drawer was now laying their opened and spilling out onto the wooden flooring. Someone had been in his room and when he found out who it was... there would be (wait... they don't believe in hell do they?) there would be whatever to pay.

He unsnapped the shaft from his belt and made his way down the stairs. On the way, he nearly collided with the Skywalker brat who was sprinting to get to his room. The guest held out a hand and grabbed onto the boy's right arm—snap, snap, POP!

Anakin fell to the ground, metallic arm in the other's grasp. The younger man cried out.

The guest made a face of disgust.

"Ew... sorry." He tossed it down to Anakin and he popped it back into place. "Uhh... okay, anyway, you wouldn't happen to know if anyone went into my room today, would you?" He glared hard at Anakin while he started to answer.

"Nope, nope, sorry. Uh-uh. _Your _room? I don't think so. Hmmm... your...room...can't say that I have—"

"Okay, I get it. Are all Jedi so loquacious?" He didn't wait for an answer before walking down the stairs. The child was probably telling the truth; what motivation would a mere Padawan have for sabotaging everyone else's chances of winning? No, he had a feeling a much wiser, more cunning Jedi was behind this. The guest turned back up the stairs and saw the boy nowhere to be found. Good; he and General Kenobi would need some alone time right now.

"Master Jedi?" He called down sweetly.

"Yes, Third part of our remaining trinity?" came the reply from the kitchen.

The man ran to the room and found Kenobi reading a magazine by the table. Oh, he looked innocent enough. With those baby-blue eyes, that sparkling golden hair, pearly smile, warm hands… ahh! The guest bit his tongue sharply to distract him from any other "trains of thought". It was Jedi magic being used on him now!

"I can not say anything about your rule-breaking. But I know this is perfectly legal!" With that, Darth Maul pulled out his weapon and stood threateningly before Master Kenobi.

"Maul! What are you talking about?" Obi-Wan asked, slowly getting up from the table. "Firstly, I didn't break any rules, secondly, Sly Moore specifically said light-sabers are forbidden!"

"True enough," Maul grinned. "But she never said anything about light-_staffs_!"

Obi-Wan realized he had just fallen victim to a plot-device loophole. He mentally called out for Anakin and decided against the rules or not, some mind-tricks would need to be used here. But was Maul's mind weak enough? He decided to try it out.

Kenobi waved two fingers in front of Maul. "Say you like to wear ladies' undergarments."

Maul opened his mouth to mimic the Jedi but began to twitch. He slapped himself and barked out, "If I said it, it would only be because of you! Whereas you, Master Kenobi, actually _do_! I saw it on the television this morning!" The other Jedi did not have time to fake up a denial before Maul continued. "Oh yeah, we all know now. Someone spilled in their interview way back when the show began so the entire universe knows it now, Obi-Wan!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Anakin, who had been too busy……studying (yeah, that's it) to hear his Master's mental call now was shaken thoroughly back into reality as the older gentleman's howl resounded throughout the house. He finished up with a groan of annoyance and opened the door to start his descent down the stairs. However, he soon found himself being thrown back onto his bed. He looked around the room puzzled, trying to see if maybe he had gotten caught or tripped on anything. Yet the only thing he saw was Palpatine at the window.

"Chancellor!" He called out with surprise; how did he manage to open the window all by himself?

"Anakin," the old man said. "You need to win this contest. And what will stop you when Darth Maul kills Obi-Wan Kenobi, and you kill Darth Maul?"

"He's going to kill my Master! But how?" _Anakin's subconscious: Woohoo! No more nagging!_ "And what do you mean I will kill Darth Maul?"

It was then Palpatine unveiled his light-saber.

"EWWW!"

…Not like that.

"Oh, thank the Force."

It was then Palpatine unveiled his _literal _ light-saber and handed it to Anakin.

"Maul loves loopholes. And so do I. The rules said you could not bring a light-saber, but they never said you could not be given one."

Anakin looked up at the Chancellor. "How will I explain this? We're not allowed to have guests—"

"Come inside the house. I'm not technically inside, now am I?"

The Jedi sighed with thought. "Won't I get in trouble for killing one of my fellow-guests?"

"Heavens no! Not when it's for the safety of your best friend."

"But you said Maul will kill him!"

"Look, stop making the author's dialogue look bad and get your butt down stairs."


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven: Those Security Holograms Have **_Nothing_** On This Chapter

(PS I use some Monty Python humour here… but don't we all?)

Obi-Wan grasped his head in both his hands and knelt to the floor, hyperventilating and trying to think clearly for a moment. Who? Who could have done this? (Couldn't resist)

While the other Jedi was busy rolling about on the ground in the fetal position, Maul figured it might take a while for the hysterics to stop. So, he went into the bathroom to check on his rouge. But before he had a chance to fix up the little spot of his real skin that was showing through, pounding footsteps met his ears. It must be that brat, Anakin. No matter, with his Master in his current "state", that child was no match for a Sith Lord like Maul. He stepped out of the lavatory with his light-staff drawn.

There was Anakin sure enough, kneeling down to his Master with a worried look on his face. He then glanced up at Maul with creepy yellow-ish eyes.

"You…" the boy said with a lower voice than usual. His eyes were now red and yellow, much like Maul's (hint, hint Lucas). Anakin stood up slowly and drew his own light-saber (remember, Palpatine gave it to him. Just checking) and raised it above his head to begin his attack on Maul.

"What have you done to my Master?"

"What have _I_ done?" The Sith asked innocently, proceeding to extend an accusing finger at Anakin. "I merely told him of _your_ doings and he fell into shock! Or…" he looked down in disgust at the puddle of drool forming around Kenobi. "Or…something."

Anakin gulped, despite the eeeeevil eye colouring. "What are you talking about?"

"Oh yeah, Anakin, I found out all about you whoring yourself off to gossip and the cameras! I saw it on the television today: "Anakin, local and universal favorite." I of course needed to learn more, so I stayed tuned in. Sure, it was against the rules to watch the news but the hell with it, I'm a Sith Lord!"

Obi-Wan stopped in his convulsions for a moment to listen.

Maul continued, "You were the one who told the world about my makeup! I just didn't want to kill you upstairs because then we couldn't draw this interesting parallel to the real movie! I mean… yeah. You were the one who planted the key in Jar Jar's room—not that I care mind, you. Cheers. How you did it, I don't know, but like I said, I couldn't care less. You were the one who made the audience want Yoda off the show! Although, you didn't really influence it that much, but whatever. So, what have you to say now, Anakin Skywalker? Shall I tell Master Kenobi who it was who stole a peak into his suitcase, rummaged through it, found thongs and the like, then proceeded to tell the _entire universe about it_?" Anakin wiped some of the Sith's spittle off his face. "Shall I? Or would you like to do the honors?"

Anakin looked down at his Master. He needn't have said a word though, for in Obi-Wan's eyes there was betrayal and pain.

"It can't be," he said up to his young friend with a shuddering breath. "It can't be! You were my brother, Anakin! I loved you!"

Some 9-year-old's house 

"Heehee! Heehee! Obi-Wan's _GAY_! Heehee!"

The Kitchen 

"Obi-Wan…" Anakin could not find any words to explain himself. For maybe there were no words, maybe some hurts were too deep for explanations; maybe the author _is_ a lazy lump.

Before the story had any more time to develop a moral, Maul raised his light-staff and brought it crashing down at Anakin. The latter jumped out of the way and backed up to buy himself some time to evaluate the situation. Alright, chopping him in half seemed to work last time, so maybe—

"Wait a minute!" Anakin cried, causing Maul to momentarily stop. "You're dead already!"

"No I'm not!"

"Yes you are! You died in the first one!"

"I'd had worse."

"You liar!"

"It was only a flesh wound."

"Oh for the love of—"

Saving the author from any more copyright charges, Obi-Wan leapt up and used the Force to bring the toaster oven to his hand. With that, he banged Maul over the head and the Sith Lord went unconscious.

"Master," Anakin said, lowering his weapon and kneeling as a sign of respect. "I do not know how to apologize."

"Oh…" Obi-Wan said with a smile. "I think I have a way." Anakin did not trust that grin. "But we will tend to that later, for now, we must get revenge on this Maul here. Bring me a wet paper-towel and we shall see how tough this one is without his mask."

Anakin went to the sink and fetched what his Master had requested. Once he brought it back to Obi-Wan, the latter began to furiously scrub at the Sith's face. It took a good ten minutes but by the time Darth Maul opened his eyes again, it was to two laughing Jedi.

"What?" Maul asked. Yet neither human was fit to give him any answer but choking laughter. "What!" He went to the bathroom to see if the cause was anything on himself and boy was it!

"OH MY—force? OH MY FORCE!" He clapped his hands to his face kind of like the Home Alone cover and fainted right then and there.

Tatooine University 

"Holy crap! Ulysses, did you see that?"

"Dude… Darth Maul is really—

Naboo Elementary 

"MICHAEL JACKSON!"


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight : Three Questions

((Yeah, Monty Python humor again… says I can't write about real people, but you all know I will mean by me saying MJ, right? WINK))

Since neither Anakin nor Obi-Wan had ever heard of Earth music, both of them simply stood astounded at the pale white creature in front of them, their laughter slightly dying down. The next thought that came to their minds was; oh this poor alien.

"Tell us, unfortunate creature, what planet are you from?" Obi-Wan inquired.

"Me?" Maul/MJ asked, sounding very odd to the audience because remember, his voice is like thiiiiiiiiiiis low. Anyway, Anakin waved for "Maul" to continue. "I'm from Earth."

Obi-Wan nodded and said to his Padwan, "Oh yes, I think of heard of this 'earth'. Some desolate system; very primitive I hear."

Anakin nodded sympathetically. "Do they _all_ look like this?" He whispered. His master shrugged while Maul got to his feet in a rage. The light-staff was still in his hands because the author forgot to remove it---erm, I mean, he used the force to call it to him… yeah, that's it. So, there was Maul with his light-staff glancing at Anakin thinking if only he was a little younger—(GAH! Sorry, couldn't help it!), Anakin holding out his light-saber with an uncomfortable look on his face, and Obi-Wan with only his bare hands (and super-speed, right? I heard he had that…eh, he does now). The latter stepped top be behind the Jedi's opponent.

"You think you too can defeat the evil that is Michael Jackson? Ha!" The Sith laughed. "I blow my nose in your direction, foolish Jedi-types!"

Obi-Wan muttered, "He's a loony…"

But it was Anakin who finally saved the day.

"I do not wish to fight you, Oh Evil Lord Michael Jackson. Why not settle this peacefully?"

"Well… I always _was_ a lover, not a fighter."

"Erm… kay. Well, I'll ask you three questions. If you answer all three right, you can kill us—"

Obi-Wan's eyes nearly popped. "ANAKIN!"

The younger one looked to his Master with a meaningful glance then proceeded. "Do you accept?"

"Eh, sure, we need to get this plot moving _somehow_."

"Okay. You should know this since you're from Earth, I mean how big can it be? Question One: What are the longitude and latitude of the Galapagos Islands?"

Obi-Wan stood stupefied at his genius apprentice. Oh that evil Sith would _never_ answer this one.

"Latitude, 0.450Âº S. Longitude, 90.283Âº W."

Anakin and Obi-Wan: 0o

Anakin took a breath. "Ooooookay. Question Two: In the UK, which artist's album broke records in the year 2003? I mean… which artist's album _will brake_ records in the year 2003?"

Maul sighed. "Dido's Life for Rent."

Anakin and Obi-Wan: O.O

Obi-Wan looked to his apprentice with worried eyes. Anakin licked his lips and thought of the most difficult question he could.

"What…."

The two others were on baited breath.

"Is…."

(Holding breath)

"Your….."

(Still holding breath)

"Favorite…."

(Turning purple here, Arden)

"COLOR?"

**DUN DUN _DUN!_**

Kenobi went up and biffed his pupil over the head. "His favorite color? Anakin, you fool!" But he was interrupted by the Sith's voice.

"Uhh… Black…no, white… no, black… no…"

Anakin gave his Master a shrug and sliced the Sith in half… again.

"Oh, Anakin!" Obi-Wan cried happily, hugging his apprentice and jumping up and down.

THAT SAME 9-YEAR-OLD'S HOUSE 

"Hee hee! Obi-Wan is GAY! Hee hee!"

THE HOUSE 

"Master, you said there would be a way to make what I did up to you. Are you satisfied with me saving for skin for the eleventh time?"

"Tenth time. That cryptic business we discuss in the third movie that no one in the audience knows about doesn't, doesn't count. And no, Anakin. You must learn the evil of what you have done. So, in order to gain my trust once more, here is what you must do."

And so Obi-Wan whispered into Anakin's ear…


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine: How Anakin **_REALLY_** turned to the dark side

((I don't own Team America by the way…okay, now that you're scared, read on))

His eyes bulged and he turned to his Master with a sick look on his paling face.

"You can't be serious, Master!"

"Anakin, stop giving the slash fans a reason to get suspicious here and _do it_!" Obi-Wan crossed his arms over his chest. "Or you could just be denied my friendship eternally and _not _perform your task if that's what you'd rather---"

"Alright, alright," the pouting Jedi interrupted. "Do I have to do it, now?"

"Yes, immediately."

"Have you ever seen Team America, Master?"

"Anakin shut up."

So Anakin went sadly up the stairs, clicking his light-saber back into place and stomping into his Master's room. It didn't take him long to find the garments he was looking for and then proceeded to enter the lavatory.

Obi-Wan waited patiently down stairs, smiling at how incredibly genius he was (don't worry, we'll cover that in a minute). What a brilliant test of loyalty.

Five minutes had gone by and Anakin had not returned yet. Kenobi was growing impatient.

"Anakin!" He called up the stairs. He placed his hands on his hips; now what could make him take this long? "Anakin, are you alright?"

Finally came the muffled response. "I am, Master, but a tad uncomfortable."

"Oh well that's bloody good enough, get down here to where the cameras can see you."

So there he came, step by step bitching and moaning---gasp----I mean, uh… whining and moaning all the way until finally the at-home audience got two eyes full of—

SOME NUNNERY 

"WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THING'S SACRED IN ANAKIN WEARING A THONG?"

BACK AT BRUTE FORCE 

He stood there blushing and probably turning as red as Michael Jackson had been only moments before. He corssed his arms down in front of his hips to try and cover the wee, WEE, banana hammock, but it was to no avail. He looked at his Master, smiling like that with vengeful relish and thought: "Maybe he wouldn't be so happy if I sliced him in half now, would he? Or blew up his primary moon. Or took control of the galaxy via creepy old friend politician (need to get one of those) and starred in six cult-classic movies with him…yeah, wouldn't be so cocky then."

But then Palpatine's voice rang softly in his head. "Hey, they like shower-shots, why not this? In fact it's better! Strut your stuff for the ladies, Anakin!"

Yeah! Yeah, he was right! Anakin placed on hand on his hip, one slapping down on his Master's shoulder and stood proudly planted on the living room floor.

((Okay, for those of you who picture stuff while you're reading it, take a moment now… take a long, special moment…))

Anakin whispered so the cameras couldn't hear. "I don't care if it _is_ your thong, Master. It makes me sexy for the girls at home."

"Oh it's not _my_ thong, my Padawan," Obi-Wan whispered back.

"But then who—"

At that moment the door to the house burst open and there was…someone.

"Ooh, forgot something here I did. Seen a rather small green thong, have you,

Jedi?"

Anakin: O.O

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten: Aren't You Glad I Finally Updated?

THE OFFICE OF SLY MOORE 

Sly Moore spat out her coffee as this last bit of the normally boring video footage got her attention. Darth Maul was dead? And Obi-Wan Kenobi was still alive? And Anakin was wearing Yoda's thong? It was getting more disturbing by the minute! In fact, Sly had difficult it was actually happening and not just some wacky fanfiction or something!

She reached for the phone on her desk and sped-dialed Chancellor Palpatine. After two rings she heard the familiar voice inquire who was calling.

"Chancellor, it's Sly," she said with hurried breath. "It's about Anakin. He—"

"Yes, Ms. Moore, I am aware that he did not complete the task of killing the other two Jedi."

"Wait…you _knew_ about that?"

"Um…no I didn't."

Sly Moore stared strangely into the videophone as Palpatine's face came in to view.

"That is beside the point anyway, Chancellor," she said. "What I am concerned about now is the fact that you wanted Anakin to win, correct?"

"Well duh, haven't you been reading this thing?"

She continued with a blush. "But Chancellor, now that he has been forced to do this (stupid pun not intended), how will he ever win back the TV audience's respect?"

Palpatine thought for a moment. Hm…how, indeed?

BRUTE FORCE LIVING ROOM 

Obi-Wan watched with a silent smile as Anakin came back out of the bathroom, normal attire on, and handed back the panties to their rightful owner. Yoda thanked the two Jedi and went back out the door, leaving Anakin and Obi-Wan in the thickest silence either could have imagined.

"Master?" Anakin asked finally.

"Yes, my Padawan?"

"What were Yoda's undergarments doing in your suitcase in the first place?"

(_INSERT EXPLANATION_)

"Ah, I see Master. That makes complete sense."

"Doesn't it though, my Padawan?"

"Say," Skywalker put in, the two men sitting down on the couch. "Remember in chapter one—erm—a few weeks ago, Sly Moore said that the show would go on until there were two guests left?"

BRUTE FORCE

**Survival of the Most Popular!**

**When Five Jedi are locked in a house together for TWO MONTHS, **

**TENSION will rise, voices will be RAISED, and one by one _the Jedi will be voted OUT of the house until only TWO are left!_**

**CAMERAS in every room!**

**Your chance to SHINE!**

**Show the GALAXY your GOOD side! New friends, new opportunities, new REALITY SHOW!**

**The Force, is IT in you?**

"Oh whatever, who cares who said it?" Anakin muttered, tossing the piece of paper that had randomly popped out of the television for added plot material.

"No, I follow you, Anakin. Hm, I wonder what shall happen now?" Pondered the older Jedi. "Perhaps we _both_ win!"

Yet before Anakin had time to mutter surreptitiously under his breath, the television/plot-device-producer turned on and there was Sly Moore's face. The Jedi awaited in silence as she spoke.

"Congratulations, Master Jedi and Padawan."

Anakin rolled his eyes and whispered, "Can't the author just decide whether I'm a Jedi or Padawan? Jeez, it's not like they're the same thing…"

Moore continued. "You have both successfully evaded being voted out by either the TV audience or your fellow guests. You have also avoided being sliced in half or breaking the rules. Good on you!"

Obi-Wan and Anakin nodded their heads appreciatively.

"I bet you are now both wondering what is to happen next."

"Yes, actually," Obi-Wan said with a smile. "You read our minds."

"No I didn't! You can't prove a thing!" Cried the telepath.

Anakin and Obi-Wan: 0.o "Okay…"

It was then the younger man noticed a slight humming sound coming from all around them. "Master—"

"Yes, I hear it too, Anakin," Kenobi said quietly. "Ms. Moore, what is that sound?"

She smiled with a dark look in her eyes. "What happens next."

With that, Anakin and Obi-Wan's stomachs leapt into their throats as the floor split in two and the Jedi were left to plummet into the newly revealed black tunnel.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter Eleven: The Suspense Chapter of DOOM!

SOME FRAT-PARTY 

"Hey, Albert, keep the noise down, look what just happened to Anakin and Obi-Wan!"

"Yeah, Gil, hold my beer glass, I can't wait to see what's going to happen!"

SOME SORORITY GET-TOGETHER 

"Ginger, how can you care about makeup at a time like this? Look what's happening to Obi and Ani! And look at the bottom of the shaft they're falling in to! There are lions!"

SOME OPERATING ROOM 

"Can you hold this pancreas for me? This is IMPORTANT Nurse Helen, there are spikes at the bottom of the shaft where the hungry lions are pacing about!"

AUTHOR'S HOME 

"Hm… how many more ways of describing what is happening without actually doing anything are left for my disposal?"

DENTIST'S OFFICE 

"Uh…it's uh…" Dr. Frank continued to stare at the TV. "A…a cavity, yeah. Oh my GOSH! Anakin used his batman-esque rope-thing to cling to the wall! But look at Obi-Wan! He's still falling! Gee, he's pretty close to the bottom now…"

BEAUTY SALON 

"Oh no! If Anakin doesn't save him soon, Obi's a gonner! Hey, you wanted a crew-cut right?"

SKI LESSONS 

"So yeah, just, um… keep a close eye on the…uh…thing…and—" Instructor's Mind: _Oh my god, who was the idiot who said mountains can't get cable? Last time I checked, Obi-Wan and fallen and landed directly on a lion's back. Ouch, that must have hurt…_

"Mommy, why is Mr. Bradley holding his crotch like that?"

Oh well, at least Anakin was starting to climb back up the shaft when I left. Hm, I wonder how Obi-Wan's doing?

"Mommy, look at me! Hey, what does 'Black Di-a-mond' mean----AHHHHH!"

"GEOFFERY!"

NASA LAUNCH-PROCEDURE 

"And take-off in five, four, three, two---OH MY GOD, did you see the way Obi-Wan used the force to pull Anakin down off of the cliff and onto another lion's back?"

"Houston, we might have a problem…" 

"Eh, I got problems of my own, ya bastard, don't you ever call just to say hi? Sheesh."

"Uh, there seems to be a shortage on fuel for the return journey, so—" 

"Yeah? Well Anakin and Obi-Wan are stuck in a pit riding on lions with a spiked floor! I think you can deal, sir!"

PORNOGRAPHY STUDIO 

"Yeah, babe, that's it! Ride him! Ride him like Anakin's ridin' that lion!"

SOME FORTY-YEAR-OLD'S MOTHER'S BASEMENT 

"Woah, Jim, Anakin almost fell off that time!"

"I know, Reginald, and check out how Obi-Wan grabbed him by the collar and pulled him onto the same lion!"

"And now he's whisperin' something… something like 'Don't you think about running away without me, Padawan.'"

"Yeah and now Anakin's sayin something back…like… 'Even though I saved your skin ten tim—'"

"And lookit how Obi-Wan socked him!"

JERRY SPRINGER'S SHOW 

"Ani, Ani, Ani!"

"Obi, Obi, Obi!"

Jerry: "Well, I feel neglected."

SOME BAR 

"Jesse, c'mere and see how this Kenobi's cleaning Anakin's clock while _still on the lion's back_!"

"I know, Velma, but Anakin's putting up a good fight!"

"Jesse… what's Obi-Wan doing to Anakin's head?"

"It looks like he's pulling at Ani's hair."

"Yeah and---oh my goodness! Jesse, are you seeing what I am seeing?"

"Sure am, Velma. That Skywalker wears a wig!"

"But didn't the author already use something like that in one of the previous chapters?"

"…shut up, Velma."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve: Unraveling the Suspense

Anakin and his Master plummeted towards the bottom of the bottomless shaft (…) where they saw huge spikes on the floor and lions parading around. After wondering how the lions' feet were not killing them, Anakin had to think fast. Now let's see…what batman-esque equipment had he now to save him?

Parachute? Nah. Anti-gravity belt? Nah. AHA! Weird grapple-hook-thing! Anakin whipped it off of his belt and raised it high above his head, the hook clinging to the side of the wall. He grinned and began to climb back up. Suddenly, Anakin felt a tug at his waist and soon found himself plummeting just like he had before! He looked down and saw that Obi-Wan had been using the Force to pull him down! How dare he?

In a rage, Anakin managed to land on a lion. He flipped off his Master and was then abruptly pulled onto Obi-Wan's lion.

"Don't you even think of escaping here without me, Padawan!"

The apprentice leered at being addressed so patronizingly.

"Even though it was I who saved your skin ten times," he added as a mutter, "Ya thong-wearin' fruit."

And with that, the Master's fist collided with the Padawan's face. Anakin rolled on top of the lion, so that he was above his Master. The two Jedi clawed at each other's perfect, flawless, gorgeous faces… ohhhh yes… Erm---I mean----yeah. So Anakin kneed Obi-Wan in the chest, Kenobi elbowed Skywalker's chin, and finally yanked at what he knew to be a source of Anakin's shame…the wig.

It came flying off and landed on one of the lions' heads (thus gaining it millions of fangirls and a movie contract) and left Anakin completely bald.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Anakin," said the author, rushing up on a lion. "I'm afraid you've said that too many times in this fanfiction. We need you to cut down."

"Oh, sorry." He cleared his throat. "WHY?"

"Much better, thank you." And with that, Arden rode off.

"Hey!" cried Obi-Wan. "Let's follow her out of this place!"

"Good idea!" said Anakin, forgetting for a moment that now the entire universe knew about his…problem.

Once they had escaped the plot device---erm---hole, the younger man was then fully reminded of his friend's treachery. He hopped off the lion and used the Force to a) throw Kenobi off and b) toss the lion into some other story.

LORD OF THE RINGS 

"Come on, Gimli!"

"Legolas?"

"Yes, Aragorn?"

"Where **_is _**Gimli?"

Legolas and his friend turned to see a lion lying on the ground with its stomach bulging and a sickeningly content look on its face.

Legolas and Aragorn: "Ugh…"

BACK TO OUR SHOW 

Anakin marched up to Obi-Wan, grabbing him by the collar and staring straight into his eyes. He demanded of the older Jedi what had possessed him to stoop so low!

"Anakin!" Obi-Wan cried, throwing up a hand in disgust. "You ratted me out far before this!"

"Well… yes that's true. However… um…" he searched for a point. "Howwwwwever…"

The author whispered something in his ear.

"Ah yes. However, those weren't even your thongs! So it wasn't even that much of a personal blow to your pride. Whereas this!" He released Kenobi with one hand and motioned up towards his own shiny head. "This is very much a personal blow!"

"Anakin, it will teach you modesty."

"And build character, too, I suppose?" he sneered sarcastically.

"Yes exactly."

Anakin threw his Master back to the ground and whipped out the light-saber that Palpatine had given him. With the Force, he held Kenobi's throat tight and----

"STOP!"

Anakin and Obi-Wan turned their heads this way and that but even the author was nowhere to be found.

"Who's there?" asked a miffed Anakin.

"It is I… GOD—er---I mean…the Force?"

Obi-Wan cocked his head. "The embodiment of the Force?"

"…Yeah, we'll go with that."

Anakin spoke. "What is it that you wish, Gawd?" He said, pronouncing the title with some newbie-esque confusion.

"You, young Skywalker, must not kill your Master."

"Oh thank Heave—er—Force Netherworld?"

"Why not?" Anakin cut off Kenobi with an angry growl.

"Because," spoke God. "Let's see _you_ explain to a kajillion fans with no real lives to speak of that the single reason for their existence, the original Star Wars trilogy, will NEVER EXIST."

"I…do not understand, Gawd," Anakin said to the sky (yes they are outside. Where you ask? Um… a grassy field) (shut up).

A loud sigh could be heard throughout the valley (field)… throughout the field. "Of course you don't. Just put down the light-saber and I'll make everything alright."

"You mean you'll erase the minds of all the billions of people who just saw this numb-rod expose my deepest, darkest secret?"

"Erm… sure, we'll go with that."


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter Thirteen: Revelations 

(PS. Don't sue me, I use some Monty Python stuff in here)

"Alright, so you two just go off and… uh… act like none of this ever happened," God had said. "And I'll wipe everyone's minds."

"But wait!" Anakin cried at the last moment. "If you wipe everyone's mind, no one will know about the show!"

"Oh thank the force," Obi-Wan sighed.

Anakin glared then turned his puppy-dog glance back on God. "After all of this work? You can't just take it away from me! _You will not take it from me_!"

"You have done that yourself," Obi-Wan reminded, paying no attention to the copyright charges and focusing instead on the fact that it was Anakin who had suggested the universal mind-wipe.

"Yes," God said. "Besides, the lord giveth and the---erm---force? Taketh away."

"Please!" Anakin begged. "Gawd, I'll do anything! Any other solution you have!"

"Well…I suppose seeing as I am all-powerful I guess I could only erase the part of peoples' minds that knew about the embarrassing truths."

Obi and Ani got on their knees. "Yes, oh please, Gawd!"

"Very well."

And thus the entire universe's mind was wiped and no one knew about either Anakin's nor Obi-Wan's little secrets… or so God told them…

PALPATINE'S OFFICE

"Hey, Chancellor," Sly asked, turning away from the video screen and back to her boss who came waling over. "Who are they talking to?"

Palpatine used his newly author-given supervision. "I dunno, the screen's a little fuzzy where those midgets on stilts covered by a sheet are standing."

"Wait," Sly said with wide eyes. "They think sheet-covered-stilt-using midgets are the embodiment of the force?"

"Apparently so," Palpatine said with a chuckle. "Oh this won't do at all." And with that, he hopped on his speeder and began to fly to the field where Anakin, Obi-Wan, and the midgets that apparently only Palpatine could see were.

THE FIELD

"Okay, everyone's mind has been wiped," said what the two Jedi took for a very large, near-ground cloud. "We now demand tribute."

Skywalker and Kenobi shared a glance. The older gentleman asked, "Gawd, what kind of tribute do you wish for?"

There was silence for a moment. "If you wish to appease the embodiment of the force, you must go and fetch… a **_shrubbery!_**"

**cue dramatic cord**

Kenobi and Anakin cried out disbelievingly, "A shrubbery?"

"Yes. One that looks nice. And not too expensive."

The two Jedi sighed and decided it best to get Gawd what he wanted.

SOME ROAD

"See any shrubberies yet, my Padawan?"

"If I did, Master, you'd be the first to know," he replied irritably.

All of a sudden, from out of nowhere, the two stumbled upon a small man with a cart of flowers and plant-goods.

"Excuse me," said Kenobi, stopping the extremely short man with a pat on the shoulder. "Is that a shrubbery you have there?"

"What, this?" he said, gesturing down to the cart. "Oh no, this is only some supplies. I do make shrubberies though. I am Samwise the Shrubber. I make, design, and sell shrubberies."

Anakin shared a shrug with his Master as they both thought the same thing: _Eh, it'll work._

THE FIELD

God stared down at the shrubbery. "Very nice, I like the laurels particularly. But there is one small problem."

"What is that, oh Gawd?" Obi-Wan asked.

"The author is getting bored with ripping off other comedians' ideas and has decided to switch the plot line around a little bit."

"And how does this affect us, oh Gawd?"

"Because now you must face…" the blanket came whipping off and "gawd" was revealed! "An army of midgets! ATTACK!"

Obi and Ani: 0.0

"RUN AWAY!" They cried as the thousands of midgets that had 'somehow' managed to fit under that sheet came screaming and chasing after them, sticks and arrows in their hands.

Anakin felt them at his heels (author laughs at political incorrectness of that sentence). (author gets sued). (author laughing not so hard now). Suddenly, he felt himself losing his balance and beginning to fall to the earthy floor below. He began to cry out when suddenly he felt a hand grip him by the collar and pull him up. Thinking this was the end, he forgot all about his lightsaber in his panic, and allowed himself to be plopped down inside… Chancellor Palpatine's speeder? He looked down and saw Obi-Wan still running for his life. Anakin then turned to see his friend Palpatine sitting beside him with an ugly look on his face… or maybe all his looks were ugly because his face was--- nevermind.

"Chancellor," Anakin said with worry. "We have to save Obi-Wan!"

"_Have to_, Anakin?" With that, the politician (probably a Republican—erm—I mean…) sped off.

Anakin gasped and turned back to see Obi-Wan now a speck behind them.

"Master!" He cried, about to explode with one exclamation when he remembered what the author had said. He then thought of something else. "Ahem. WHY!"


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter Fourteen: Apologies

((I got some reviews telling me that chapter thirteen was a little less than funny. Yeah, I kinda knew that. Oh well; it's hard thinking up ideas for an already fourteen-chapter story! Hope this one is better for ya'll))

"Why would you want to save _him_, Anakin?" asked Palpatine, gracefully steering the speeder away from the field of madness. "He revealed your one deepest, darkest secret. He constantly degrades you—what, with that whole 'master' crap. Kinky if you ask me."

Anakin shook his head, still looking back at the now non-visible Obi-Wan. "It wasn't like that; he was kind and generous and—"

"And moronic! Honestly, a Jedi Master believed a big white sheet with two eye-holes poked in it was the embodiment of the Force! I can understand that of you, Anakin, but not from one who holds a seat on the Jedi Council."

The Padawan/Jedi/Thing lowered his head wondering… wondering what Obi-Wan was doing now…

WHAT OBI-WAN WAS DOING NOW 

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" He yelped, dodging midgets left and right. He looked back then a realized that these were no ordinary midgets—they were hooded, furry, yellow-eyed midgets! Jawas! Obi-Wan felt the heat of their guns singe against his legs and waist. He ran faster.

Without his light-saber and too tired to use much of the Force, Obi-Wan stood no chance against the army of Jawas. Finally, he collapsed, not able to take one more step. He felt the weight of several Jawas fall down upon him.

_Oh great… they're probably going to eat me or something, the little brutes._

But they did no such thing. Instead, they did not move at all. With relief and disgust, he realized the Jawas on top of him were dead. He shoved them off and saw that behind him, facing the Jawa army was an equally massive battalion of Ewoks! ((Come on, like _you_ never thought a battle between fuzzy midgets would be cool?))

"Give up, puny Ewoks!" cried the Jawa leader. "We have guns!"

"Well we have…sticks and rocks."

Dramatic cord 

"RUN AWAY!"

With that, the more cowardly of the Jawas fled off to their little Jawa homes, but the few brave enough to face the sticks and rocks remained in formation. Although considerably less in number now, the Jawas still posed as a formidable enemy.

_Oh if only Anakin were here now,_ thought Obi-Wan. _He would have no problem killing off an entire species—er—I mean…wait, do I know about that sand-people thing? I don't? Oh—erm—hum dee doo…_

So the clouds darkened and it would be known henceforth as

STAR WARS EPISODE 7: ATTACK OF THE CLONED MIDGETS 

Obi-Wan stared at the mass mixture of fluff and carnage and decided to get out of that situation. While he was running, he wondered where Anakin was right now…

WHERE ANAKIN WAS RIGHT NOW 

"Chancellor Palpatine and Jedi Anakin, welcome," said Sly Moore, motioning for them to walk into the chancellor's large abode.

"This place is huge, Chancellor!" spoke Anakin with awe as he walked through the mansion's foyer. The older man laughed.

"Come, Anakin, would you like some tea?"

"What, do I _look_ like a limey?"

Author / Political Correctness-Official runs into the foyer and ducks past the guards, slapping a hand over Anakin's mouth. She smiles at the readers and gives the Jedi one final kick before exiting once more.

Anakin rubbed his sore shin and looked up at Palpatine who had this funny look in his eyes.

"Chancellor?"

"Why don't I…show you the master's chambers, Anakin?"

"You mean your bedroom sir?"

"Yes, there's some things I…wish to show you. MUAHAHAHAHAH—" he and Anakin stared blankly at each other for a moment. "HAHA--cough Sorry."

Obi-Wan finally managed to navigate and run to the chancellor's mansion and with supreme author-given powers, knocked out the guards and went off to find Anakin. He heard something strange coming from one of the many upper floors, so thus he began his quest to find his Padawan.

Floor after floor there was no sign of Anakin, but the odd noises grew louder. He climbed countless stairways until finally, the tallest room in the tallest tower was before him (yes there are towers, he's evil, duh). The noises were loud now.

"AHHHH! AHHHH! URGHHHH!"

"Fit, dammit!"

"It's too small! You won't make your instrument fit! My body's just too small! AHHHHH!"

At this point Obi-Wan, thoroughly disturbed and alarmed slammed open the doors that the Chancellor did not think to lock. Once inside, he found Anakin strapped down on Palpatine's bed with the Chancellor above him.

"**_WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE FORCE ARE YOU DOING TO HIM!_**" Obi-Wan cried, rushing to the pair of men.

Palpatine lifted the black mask he had been trying to fit onto Anakin's face and tossed it to the ground. Obi-Wan looked at Anakin, covered with a black-leather suit complete with swishy, EVIL, black cape and boots.

His jaw dropped and he used the force to release Anakin from the metallic binds that had him strapped down. The younger man pointed to Palpatine (who was wearing rubber gloves and safety goggles).

"He had protection," Anakin offered.

Obi-Wan, upset and grossed out, marched himself and his apprentice towards the door.

"Going so soon?" the Chancellor asked, and the sound of a light-saber being unveiled met Obi-Wan's ears.


End file.
